Post by Ryan "React" Raze on Mar 1, 2010 22:00:30 GMT -5
What is happiness to you David?
Current mood: thoughtful
One of my favorite movies of all time is Vanilla Sky. Yes, not the original, "Abre Los Ojos", but the Mr. Scientology version. Recently, events in my life have made me rethink the word "happiness". "Oh No!" those of you who may read could proclaim audibly, "What happened to Ryan!" No no, these are events of my own creation. Which most things in life are. We create our own destines, and we create our own paths.
Without getting into the meat and potatoes of it all, I made bad choices recently. The things I've done have effected the lives of so many and in the end, I'm left partially in the drivers seat with only my learners permit. Ahh, the philosophical rants and thoughts of a person teetering on the edge of "right" or "wrong". It's dirt. And by that, I mean it's real. Not like, "The Bible is Fact", but that "dirt" is a factual object. It's something that can be held, molded, and ultimately made into what we want. Thus is life right?
Almost everything that we do in lives is of our own design. It's not that destiny or fate isn't on the table; it's just that we chose the paths we walk on.
"What kind of man do you want to be". This was said to me in the most tumultuous of times and it was a statement that resonates in my mind. It has resonated for the past few weeks. Two to be precise but the only ones keeping track of time are the Mayans and those with an end game. The Mayan's had an end game, and that is the destruction of the world. Although, some may argue that they simply grew bored with making calendars and stopped. So the ultimate question is, "Does life stop when we grow bored with what we do". My answer: Only if we decide it to stop.
So many times in life we have the ability to directly alter the outcomes of the rest of our measly, short existence. Why are we here, what is the purpose for us to exist on this plane. Who fucking knows. That's the truth. My thought, since you've all been dying to see where this goes...Well, I'll tell you.
We're here to exist. We're here to do whatever makes us happy. For some, Happiness is a Warm Gun. Yes, I did have to throw out a Kurt Cobain reference. Do not fret my limited number of readers; this is not a soliloquy to suicide or the ramblings of a heroin addict who is uncomfortable with his celebrity. This is simply the thoughts that courses through my mind.
We've been raised and bred in a world and society that looks for the next best thing. Beepers, Cell Phones, iPhones, google; everything that we exist in this world revolves around "What's next". And why is that exactly? Why do we feel this need to look to the next hot topic, the next big thing, or the next powerful fix. Drug addicts always want the next strongest pill, the better strain of marijuana (though not a drug), or the latest hot topic in the world for which we can chose to facilitate our existence after.
At this point in my narration, I have to wonder why I began this. Why I felt the need to break the silence after years of "blog avoidance". I haven't written for a long time because life was stable. The times when I feel the need to right are perpetrated by an empty feeling or a pain inside of me. This time, the pain is my doing. Prior, my pain was based on a rough relationship that scarred me so fucking bad that it took me years to move past. Events and feelings that took such a toll on my emotional well being that it changed who I was. Nay, I regress. Did these events change who I was, or did they just allow me to let go of the person I wanted to be.
Jimmy Buffet said life is good when you can live happily ever after every now and then. Why is it that some people, myself of course, fight with that notion. Is it because of the world we've lived in? Is it because of media, celebrity, and stupid movies like The Notebook? Is this why we feel the need to look for something better when what we have is just fucking great?
So many times in life I've battled with myself. I've always thought, "Why is it, that I need to keep looking. Why is it that I can't just be". It reminds me of a friend of mine who used to say, "Just be." And that was her statement on life. "Just Be". Life happens around you and will continue to happen around you/us regardless of what the fuck we do as individuals. It's up to us to chose how we wish to impact life.
As I sit, pulling a drag from my not-so-delicious, yet strangely soothing Camel Crush; I'm reminded instantly of the original point of this. A Camel Crush cigarette, for those of you not in the know, is a Camel Light, but it has this cool little ball of menthol that you crush and release to change what type of cigarette you have. While I'm not a smoker, in times of duress I turn to my old buddy Camel Joe. For those who don't remember Camel Joe, he was the spokesperson for Camel cigarettes until people realized his nose and mouth looked like a cock & balls. But it's like...what's wrong with Camel Lights, what's wrong with Camel Menthol? Or should we go even further, what's wrong with Camel Menthol Light. It's the best of both worlds! But, we as a society, need to have that option. "What the fuck is he talking about?" That's what I'd be saying at this point, but hang tight everyone, it's coming.
My point is this...I don't have a point. I just enjoy those cigarettes. But oh yes, the irony of it. At a time in my life when I need to realize that life is what we make it. That happiness is right in front of us, I'm choosing to placate my sorrow with "the next best thing". A combination of everything we want. Life is sort of like a cigarette right. Life is like a box of Camel Crush. Oh Forest, don't let me steal your thunder just yet; I only ask you indulge me on this for a moment. Camel Crush represent options. Much like life. We have options in life. We can chose one path: This would be represented by the "Light" part of a Camel Crush. Or we can chose the other path: Crush that menthol ball and enjoy that cool breeze. It seems idiotic right? If Thom Yorke was singing to me, I'm sure Idioteque would be playing. I apologize for the spelling, but if you get the reference, you get the song. I always chose the menthol portion of this cigarette. ALWAYS! I've tried the light part, and it's good for a brief moment, but eventually I go back to what I like most of all. That sweet, sweet taste of menthol. I could write all kinds of bullshit about how Menthol takes me back to the first time I smoked pot and then enjoyed a Menthol because it "Got you higher". But the truth is, it's because that's what I enjoy more. So why the options? Why do we/me feel/feels the need to have options.
Options are nice sure, but most people will ultimately revert to the thing they find most comfort in. The things we know, in life, are the ones we want. And that ultimately brings me back to what we want.
In a short amount of time, I've realized what I want in life. I've realized what I NEED to keep me happy and to make me a better person. Cigarettes don't make you a better person you see (a shout out to the literary works of Tom Robbins in 'Another Roadside Attraction). This book is a dandy of a novel. Certainly not for many, but those of you who have read it will understand the deeper meaning. When it rains, why try to fight the rain. It is what it is. It's something that you can't change or alter or do anything about. Why is it that I chose to fight the rain? Why is it, exactly, that I chose to battle the things in my life that make me happy. Is this human nature or is it my nature?
There is something to be said for peace, happiness, and calm in life. There is something to be said for security, comfort, and happiness. I ask everyone to take time and think about what is happiness to you.
When you realize what happiness is to you, you should most assuredly go for it. You should take steps to lock that happiness up. If life were a Fantasy Football keeper league, you lock up Peyton Manning. He is consistent, he is a person you can count on, and he is a person that you know will do right by you in the end.
If only we took these things into consideration before we acted out. If only these thoughts remained a constant in our lives. I had the numbers 22 and 29 tattooed on the inside of my bicep. I did this to remember that "John G raped and murder my wife". That's right Mr. Nolen, your film didn't directly influence my decision, but it certainly makes a lot of sense.
For those who know me, they know I'm the type of person who acts on impulse, who is forgetful and who is stupid from time to time. I chose to brand myself with my sins and acts. I chose to force myself to remember in the dark and cloudy days ahead when I know my head will stray, or I could potentially "act a fool". I chose to do this because I want to remember the pain I've inflicted upon others, and for the pain I inflicted upon myself. I chose to do this to never forget.
Ahh, a tattoo and cigarettes... If only life were so simple. If only these lessons would have come easier. If only I didn't need to resort to Joe and Christopher's methods. Where would I be then in life? Most likely thinking selfishly...most likely thinking only about myself and the mentality of a 22 year old. Thinking I'm a King and that the things I do in life are "things" without repercussion.
I know what the next step is for once. I feel my own mind guiding me and I feel clear finally. Most people don't realize they have frostbite until they look down and see blueish purple skin and a rotting toe. I'm hoping that no longer will it take that for me to see the light. Not the jesus light or anything crazy; though I'm sure many people could find a way to make that all relative. I feel pretty good right now knowing what I need to do next. My friends, my family and others have certainly given me a new perspective and allowed me to see clearly.
A good lesson I learned was to trust people. To trust your friends, to trust those around you, and to not question yourself so much. I questioned myself for a very long time, but I'm done with that shit. 29 is almost 30, and then what. What happens next...
What happens next is I define what it is I want in life. What happens next *I* determine. What happens next is what I want to happen next. You can't fight the rain, you can only accept that fact that when outside, you're going to get wet.
Me? I chose not to fight the rain. I chose not to fight the feelings that I battle. I chose to become the man and lead the life I want to lead. Some people know the path they want, but are unable to attain it. I'm hopefully in a position to get to where I need to be. I have friends who care about me. Family who cares, and people who love me. I'm one of the lucky ones who know I will be supported in these choices regardless of what happens. People who want me to be happy and to find happiness. I am one of the lucky ones.
So I say this to those reading: Find what makes you happy. Find the things that will help you become the person you want to be. If that is alone, then more power to you. If that is with a special person, hold onto that person and don't fight it. Fighting your emotions is a fucking drag. We need to learn to embrace who we are as individuals. We need to learn about ourselves and fix what is wronging us. What we really need to do, is find what happiness is to us.
David opted to leap from that building and deal with reality rather then live in a euphoric fantasy world. I too think I'll follow David's path. Hideous scars and all, I will fight and claw for what I believe to be the things that will make me happiest in life. After all...what's the point of living if we don't have something to live for. And I believe, we can all find something in our lives worth living for. Once we find that, the rest will fall into place.
-Ryan
ps: pardon the spelling errors, I'm not one for editing thought.