Post by benjamin on Apr 8, 2016 9:54:50 GMT -5
Hey guys, this is probably gonna be boring, but I need to get some stuff off my chest.
As some of you know, some 3 weeks ago, my gf asked for some time off. I'm gonna elaborate some on that, for those who care. Since we both finished college she'd been having trouble finding a job, and in general having any direction in life. Things between us were super cool, but that was the only part of her life that was in order. Sure we had some problems, but they were never serious or anything, just small problems about small things.
So she told me she was flirting with the idea of going on her own for some time, putting the pressure of doing things for herself and not depending on me, she said this would make her more driven and thus help her achieve some stuff she wanted to do. I was dead by this point, but I reluctantly agreed, and we laid the ground for our "time off". No contact, no going out with other people, she told me "please wait for me". She told me to trust her, and that this was for the better of both, that our relationship would be better if we both used the time wisely we would grow and thus be a better version of "us" when the time came.
The first few days I was hurting but I told myself to be strong because that's what she wanted. So it was all good, I started doing some stuff to kill time and well, I was able to not call her for the lengthy period of one week. I called and I could hear she was doing well, but still inside me I was selfishly hoping she'd miss me and need me and thus come back and all that.
Calling her helped for a bit, as I was genuinely happy she sounded better, but it also made me a bit more desperate, and to some extent, I thought it was unfair that she sounded well, and I was hurting. I know it reads really selfish, but that's what I felt.
Another week went by and she called me this time. She was telling me about how she got a job, and was really happy about it. She told me she'd been hanging with some friends and trying not to think too much. It was short, but I was glad she called. It gave me some hope I think. As in "well she called me so she probably still needs me".
Yesterday I gathered some courage and I went to see her, she seemed happy to see me but something felt off right from the moment I arrived. She asked the basic questions, how was I doing, how was my mom, stuff like that. I asked her the same dumb questions and she asked if I wanted to talk for a bit. Of course I did.
We started talking and opening up, and she started asking some more important questions. I was honest, and I told her I was trying to stay cool, but it was hurting so much, and that I had good days and bad days. I told her that I hoped things would've gone differently, and that stuff about her coming back. She told me she was doing ok, that she felt very bad about the way things went, but that she was really doing stuff for herself, and trying to enjoy things and was really BETTER. Of course, silly little Ben was crushed, because I love her. I mean, I resent her really bad, but I love her. We talked for a long time, and it got really emotional. She told me she loved me and of course she missed me, but that she was doing well for HERSELF and getting back together now wouldn't be honest and her heart would not be here. I told her how I was really mad that she did what she did. We had problems sure, and bad times, but I always pushed through, and I was always there, and she just gave up. I told her for the record, I would've stayed with her for good. I was willing to. She said she felt really guilty and like the worst person ever.
It wasn't like an argument or yelling or anything like that. It was really sad for me, broken as hell, looking at her with tears in her eyes, telling me that she still cared for me deeply, but that she was better without me. She told me she wanted to break it off for good, and that while there was feelings and love, and all of that stuff, she didn't want me holding on to something that may never happen. Basically, she's not coming back.
We said our goodbyes, and she told me to chase the stuff that I love (I pretty much don't love anything right now, as all of it reminds me of her and it hurts really bad), and she asked me to try and be ok, and be better. I told her I loved her, and I was sincerely glad to know that she was better. I told her that I probably won't ever be able to forgive her though. As I said, I was being honest, and at this point, I might as well be. There was nothing anymore, so, fuck it.
I put on my shades not caring it was nighttime cause I was looking like shit by this point, and I made my way out. Her mother gave me a big hug, and had tears in her eyes as well. I told her to please be safe and thanked her for being so cool. I turned back and there she was, my girl, still sobbing. I waved goodbye for the last time I guess. That was it.
I guess it goes without saying, but I'm really sad right now. We were together for nearly 5 years, and I still love her like the first day. Our story was really cool, how we met, and how we starting going out and eventually got together. Everything. I just feel really bad.
Deep inside me there's still this slight glimmer of hope that we might be together again one day. I don't want that hope. I want to forget her. I love her but I resent her too much. It's confusing and it keeps the pain throbbing. I think I'll be able to find my peace as well, but really, regardless of everything. She's the coolest girl I've ever met, and she was always there, she loved me every day.
I'm also very thankful, believe or not, for being able to hang with you guys on sunday, I got to forget about all that drama for a bit, and just be silly and enjoy/complain about Wrestlemania, and it was good while it lasted.
Thank you if any of you read this, and well, it's just sad benny again here. Time will heal, I know. It always does. I just don't know if I want to heal. I love her. I want her back, but that's out of the question. For now, at least.
As some of you know, some 3 weeks ago, my gf asked for some time off. I'm gonna elaborate some on that, for those who care. Since we both finished college she'd been having trouble finding a job, and in general having any direction in life. Things between us were super cool, but that was the only part of her life that was in order. Sure we had some problems, but they were never serious or anything, just small problems about small things.
So she told me she was flirting with the idea of going on her own for some time, putting the pressure of doing things for herself and not depending on me, she said this would make her more driven and thus help her achieve some stuff she wanted to do. I was dead by this point, but I reluctantly agreed, and we laid the ground for our "time off". No contact, no going out with other people, she told me "please wait for me". She told me to trust her, and that this was for the better of both, that our relationship would be better if we both used the time wisely we would grow and thus be a better version of "us" when the time came.
The first few days I was hurting but I told myself to be strong because that's what she wanted. So it was all good, I started doing some stuff to kill time and well, I was able to not call her for the lengthy period of one week. I called and I could hear she was doing well, but still inside me I was selfishly hoping she'd miss me and need me and thus come back and all that.
Calling her helped for a bit, as I was genuinely happy she sounded better, but it also made me a bit more desperate, and to some extent, I thought it was unfair that she sounded well, and I was hurting. I know it reads really selfish, but that's what I felt.
Another week went by and she called me this time. She was telling me about how she got a job, and was really happy about it. She told me she'd been hanging with some friends and trying not to think too much. It was short, but I was glad she called. It gave me some hope I think. As in "well she called me so she probably still needs me".
Yesterday I gathered some courage and I went to see her, she seemed happy to see me but something felt off right from the moment I arrived. She asked the basic questions, how was I doing, how was my mom, stuff like that. I asked her the same dumb questions and she asked if I wanted to talk for a bit. Of course I did.
We started talking and opening up, and she started asking some more important questions. I was honest, and I told her I was trying to stay cool, but it was hurting so much, and that I had good days and bad days. I told her that I hoped things would've gone differently, and that stuff about her coming back. She told me she was doing ok, that she felt very bad about the way things went, but that she was really doing stuff for herself, and trying to enjoy things and was really BETTER. Of course, silly little Ben was crushed, because I love her. I mean, I resent her really bad, but I love her. We talked for a long time, and it got really emotional. She told me she loved me and of course she missed me, but that she was doing well for HERSELF and getting back together now wouldn't be honest and her heart would not be here. I told her how I was really mad that she did what she did. We had problems sure, and bad times, but I always pushed through, and I was always there, and she just gave up. I told her for the record, I would've stayed with her for good. I was willing to. She said she felt really guilty and like the worst person ever.
It wasn't like an argument or yelling or anything like that. It was really sad for me, broken as hell, looking at her with tears in her eyes, telling me that she still cared for me deeply, but that she was better without me. She told me she wanted to break it off for good, and that while there was feelings and love, and all of that stuff, she didn't want me holding on to something that may never happen. Basically, she's not coming back.
We said our goodbyes, and she told me to chase the stuff that I love (I pretty much don't love anything right now, as all of it reminds me of her and it hurts really bad), and she asked me to try and be ok, and be better. I told her I loved her, and I was sincerely glad to know that she was better. I told her that I probably won't ever be able to forgive her though. As I said, I was being honest, and at this point, I might as well be. There was nothing anymore, so, fuck it.
I put on my shades not caring it was nighttime cause I was looking like shit by this point, and I made my way out. Her mother gave me a big hug, and had tears in her eyes as well. I told her to please be safe and thanked her for being so cool. I turned back and there she was, my girl, still sobbing. I waved goodbye for the last time I guess. That was it.
I guess it goes without saying, but I'm really sad right now. We were together for nearly 5 years, and I still love her like the first day. Our story was really cool, how we met, and how we starting going out and eventually got together. Everything. I just feel really bad.
Deep inside me there's still this slight glimmer of hope that we might be together again one day. I don't want that hope. I want to forget her. I love her but I resent her too much. It's confusing and it keeps the pain throbbing. I think I'll be able to find my peace as well, but really, regardless of everything. She's the coolest girl I've ever met, and she was always there, she loved me every day.
I'm also very thankful, believe or not, for being able to hang with you guys on sunday, I got to forget about all that drama for a bit, and just be silly and enjoy/complain about Wrestlemania, and it was good while it lasted.
Thank you if any of you read this, and well, it's just sad benny again here. Time will heal, I know. It always does. I just don't know if I want to heal. I love her. I want her back, but that's out of the question. For now, at least.
ya, ben
